Christmas is Hard

For the past couple of years Christmas time has been a bit difficult for me.  

I've been struggling with depression for about 3 years now, and every Christmas, when our family gets together, it serves as a nostalgic reminder of where we have been in life during past Christmases.  And for me it feels like I've been stuck in the same spot for a long while now.  Year after year nothing seems to change.  

Sure, amazing things happened this year.  Nuka and I became parents, and Celestine has been the most incredible gift I could have ever asked for.  But in terms of emotional capacity and life trajectory, this year feels the same.  And that makes me sad.

The worst is that there is always hope.  Hope that tomorrow will be better, and that maybe this will be the year things get better.  And that's what hurts.  When I wake up a year later and the holidays are here, and I still feel like I'm suffocating, like there is no way out.

Yet that is the only thing that we can hold on to.  That there is hope, that tomorrow, could actually maybe be better.  

For some of you the holidays are the most difficult time of the year.  For what it's worth, I'd just like to say that you are not alone.  And really none of us are alone.  

For me it does help to know that what we celebrate this time of year really is the true narrative.  That God became one of us. To give hope to those who have none, and to call those who are poor in spirit, Blessed. 

A light shines in the darkness.

May we find our hope in that light.  

Merry Christmas friends.

Nathan GerhardtComment